I WANTED TO PUNCH HER.
Wanted to slam my fist on the table, get up, and leave.
We were at a local coffee shop and we were talking about life.
She’s one of my best friends—a sister, the kind that knows your heart without ever having to hear from it.
And I was telling her about some things that I’ve been working through. Things that, really, I’ve been grieving through. Not praying, not seeking through. But shaking my fist up at God through. That kind of working through.
I told her I didn’t want to hear anyone else’s thoughts on what I believed. Told her,
“It won’t change what I think or what I feel.”
Didn’t matter. She still went on to tell me what she thought and what she felt.
She broke it down.
Talked about heaven & hell & death & my brother and all those other things that I’ve been crumbling over on the insides—all the stuff that’s made me feel
CRAZY. LOST. CONFUSED. STUMBLING.
Voices in my mind; struggles in my heart.
Then she pointed my wandering back to the Truth, back to the Word, back to the stories of people who were all once in my position and back to the God who saw and saved them all.
I’m still grieving and working through it all. But at least I’m a little less lost.
. . .
So, now I’m feeling like I have to break it down for you, too. I’m feeling like, even though I don’t know what you’re grieving about, don’t know what you’re losing your mind over, don’t know what keeps your brain awake at night, what verisions of yourself you are seeing and hating when you look in the mirror.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THIS:
The thinking to yourself, the feeling lonely, the hiding, the paranoia, the lies that are speaking louder than the truths that you know and so badly want just to believe.
NONE OF THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE CRAZY. . .IT JUST MEANS THAT YOU CARE.
It all just means that you are seeking and searching and fighting and trying; you are desperate, you are frantic. And it’s not because you’re crazy. It’s because you care about something, someone, and you’re just trying to understand.
It’s not a good place to stay;
but it is a good place to be.
And all that I or anyone else can do about it is be there for you in the break down. Be there when it all comes slipping and sliding out the mouth. Be there when the tears, the rage, the confusion, the torment, all of it, come crashing down.
1. FIND THAT FRIEND
2. OPEN UP
3. POUR OUT YOUR HEART
4. BE HONEST
5. SLAM YOUR FIST ON THAT TABLE
And if you need a place to confess the craze, a person to talk about the cares with, this space is yours. Like a cafe, warm and dimly lit with the low hum of honest & raw conversations in the background: this space is yours.